One of the best things to come out of contests like this (apart from possible agent representation) is the networking with other authors. So here's a chance to do this by improving your pitch and others.
Here's what to do.
Create a blog post that includes:
- Your full query.
- Your Pitch Slam Pitch
- Your Pitch Slam Feedback.
Tweet me the link to the post at @S_M_Johnston with the hashtag #PitchSlamSupport and I will add it into this post (Just remember I'm in Australia so I might be sleeping when you tweet me). Search the list on this post and the hashtag to find other writers to help with their pitch honing. The more you help, the more help you are likely to receive!
Pitch Slam Support Group Blog Hop Participants:
- Red Moon Comes to Pitch Slam! (This blog post doesn't have a comments section so you will need to post feedback for it in this post).
- Pitch Slam Entry for Mamma's Girl
- Pitch Slammed
- Pitch Slam entry
- Pitch Slam Entry Adamant
- Pitch Slam: YA Fantasy
- Pitch Slam: XO
- Pitch Slam Support: YA Gothic
- Pitch Slam Support: NA Fantasy
- Pitch Slam Entry
- PitchSlam: Adult Fantasy
- LV14: YA Sci-Fi
- Pitch Slam: YA Fantasy
- LV14: Upper MG Fantasy
- (Will this be you)
I could see the comments section on Blog Hop 1's post, so I'm putting my suggested redraft in here:
ReplyDeleteIn 1978, Julianne Kruger accompanies her famous psychologist husband to Nigeria in his bid to cure schizophrenia. When she discovers him using human subjects for unethical research, she must stop him before he kills again.
I just want to say this sounds like an intriguing story. I like Sharon's suggestion.
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of this, but I'm a bit wary of putting my full query online. Is that weird?
ReplyDeleteIt's not at all weird that you feel this way. But for me it's not anything to be concerned about. Some agents actively encourage writers to have their queries on their sites during competitions. You can always put it up for feedback and then delete that post after the contest.
DeleteThat's true. Thanks for the thoughts. I shall get around to my post/site soon. :)
DeleteI left a comment for the first blog on the author's website, didn't realize (even though it is above) that the comments are hidden. Now I can't remember what I said.
ReplyDeleteJulianne must stop her husband from conducting terrifying psychological experiments on unsuspecting Nigerian citizens. To do that she must trust the wife of his closest conspirator or risk losing her husband, and possibly her life.
I am having MAD website issues, can't seem to get back onto site #6. This is what I suggest for this one:
ReplyDeleteReincarnation is a bitch, especially when mad goddess NAME is determined to kill you each life. If Saekina can’t stop NAME, she’ll be hunted throughout endless reincarnations—if ____ doesn’t annihilate her soul first.
I put blanks where I wanted more info, or thought it would flow better. That's 33 words, so there's a touch of wiggle room.
I couldn't get all of #6's into the Tumblr comment, so here's my other option:
ReplyDeleteSaekina regularly wakes up covered in blood after fighting off demons trying to keep her past lives hidden. Betrayed by her patron goddess, delve into her reincarnations to learn how to beat a god.
I can't log into number 7 for some reason so the comment is here:
ReplyDeleteHere's two other options. I really liked the original one so I wanted something that was like it.
Juliet has a faltering marriage, a starry-eyed memory of her first love and an internet connection. The thrill of reconnecting with Nick threatens to destroy one of those. And it won’t be the internet.
Juliet has a faltering marriage and starry-eyed memories of young love. Reconnecting Nick seems innocent enough until Juliet becomes more interested in chasing after past romance than repairing the present. Past thrill threatens present love.
Thank you Sharon!
ReplyDelete(aka, M.A. Nicholson) I couldn't write a second comment to #6 so I'll add it here. I thought the first sentence was great, but the second was a bit redundant as it repeats the conflict in different words.
ReplyDeleteReincarnation can be a bitch, especially when a mad goddessstrives to kill you in each life. She’s finally found her own kind and she’s desperate to learn how to defeat NAME-- in this lifetime.
In the query - be aware that your last sentence has an ambiguous "she" If she fails, they’ll all be hunted throughout endless reincarnated lives—if SHE doesn’t annihilate their souls first.
My comment for #1:
ReplyDeleteRED MOON, I'm not sure how to add to what's been said about the pitch, but maybe it could have more of a historical feel/tone to it. The phrase 'expat Julianne Kruger’s troubled marriage takes a backseat' feels out of place to me.
I like beginning of the query, though 'she gets hints about the dark side' is on the vague side, and the following sentence says roughly the same things with repetition of 'hints', so you might remove the first sentence but keep the gist.
The pregnancy feels tacked into the query. Whilst it's a good emotional weight, I don't know if it's needed. You could shorten it to begin the 'When Julianne suffers an unexpected stillborn birth, she must recover her sanity from the shattered pieces of her life' or similar. 'During this time' reduces the intensity of the paragraph.
Mostly, I'd strengthen the query by keeping the tension up. I'm mainly worried that there's too much of the plot in the query, taking away its bite. However, though it may not be my type of story, it looks like a well written concept. :)
I don't have Tumblr (and don't intend to get one), so here's my comment for #6 YA FANTASY:
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like the hook in this query. I can definitely hear a distinct voice from the off. However, I think you could shorten it, though that may be the webpage making it seem longer. Personally, I'd tighten the query and narrow in on the stakes through action and consequence (I like what you've got, but, to me, it feels like the query doesn't entirely flow through to the end). As nice as 'At seventeen, she has never had anyone but herself to rely on' is, it could be removed with the 'seventeen-years-old' elsewhere. I'm not keen on the paragraph starting 'She meets three others with the same power' - it sounds a little synopsis-like. What exactly is 'the same power'? I feel that could be clearer. I agree that 'hidden war' is a little confusing on the idea that war tends to be large scale. 'A secret battle,' maybe.
If you mention reincarnation in your pitch, I'd use it in your query; knowledge of past lives in definitely a more unique aspect. In the same vein, I think that there's a little disconnect between the themes/plot in the pitch and that in the query.
I like your pitch #1 the best; 'Reincarnation can be a b*tch' is a great opener. 'Mad' goddess sounds more specific than 'crazy', weirdly. I like the mention of the soul.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteQuick question. I'm not sure about putting the goddess' name in the pitch, because it's similar to MC's. It's explained why in the story--part of the world's culture, but it would just be two similar names in the pitch. What's your opinion?
ReplyDeleteI would leave it out. I left it out of my revision for you:
DeleteSaekina regularly wakes up covered in blood after fighting off demons trying to keep her past lives hidden. Betrayed by her patron goddess, delve into her reincarnations to learn how to beat a god.
I revised mine:
ReplyDeleteForty-one-year-old Juliet has a faltering marriage, a starry-eyed memory of her first love and an internet connection. Contacting Nick seems innocent enough until the thrill of rekindling past romance lures her from rebuilding her present.
Sounds good.
ReplyDelete